Ladies, let’s get real. You’re just not in the mood. I get it. It’s not that it’s that time of the month, it’s that time of the month. You know, the time of the month when you wish it was your time of the month, so that you could get out of this moment.
You need an excuse. Not because there’s anything wrong with you however, but because there’s nothing wrong with you. After all, you can’t just say ‘no’. Come on. But there’s no headache (and besides, they’ve figured out the solution to that one anyway), no early start, no indigestion. There are no excuses this time.
Except there are! Want to know how can you let him down gently, without crushing his spirit entirely? Never fear! As always, I think I may have the answer.
“I’m on my period”
Unless he’s keeping a closely watched schedule on your monthlys, chances are you can get away with this one for a couple of weeks in a row without arousing suspicion. And even if he is, claim associated symptoms. Everyone knows that PMS and post-period diarrhoea are real things.
This is a good go to, though crying wolf too often will begin to arouse suspicion, in which case you can move on to…
“All PIV is rape”
Nothing repels the manhood quicker or more effectively than a feminazi. Try drawing him into a broader, psychological discussion around women’s issues or, if confusion is your aim, ‘female’ struggles. Of course, if you really want to deter his advances, you can always ask him to break down his views on how the #notallmen movement aims to derail real discussions around real issues by making room for personalisation and ‘I-feel-attacked’ syndrome, then sit back and relax.
A sudden change in politics may be too effective however, so why not try…
Throwing a bitch fit
Remember that thing that he did that really pissed you off that time? Neither does he, but that doesn’t stop you from using it as a scapegoat, whatever it was. Try “bringing up” something that happened a few months ago, as this will enable you to add the element of psychosis to your fictionalised argument. After all, who wants to have sex with a crazy bitch?
Of course, some people aren’t so comfortable accusing others of hypotheticals. If you’re one of those people, you can always just…
Be too hot
Literally, not physiologically. Guys really hate that your female hormones insist on taking you to a place that makes fore-cuddling uncomfortable. Stupid girls. Insist on having the windows shut, heating on, and whip the 19 tog duvet out for maximum effect.
Of course, this could make things uncomfortable for you too – the aim here is to get to sleep faster. Another use of your hormones would be to…
Have a crisis of confidence
Oh dear. Natalie at work said something terrible to you today, and you just can’t get it out of your mind. I mean, she didn’t actually say that I wasn’t good at my job, or that I looked fat in my new dress, or that my lipstick shade just isn’t my colour, but it was the way she didn’t say it, if you get what I mean? I mean, I work so hard, so SO hard, and then she goes and says something about my last email. Wtf does she mean by “the tone was a bit off”? Her nose is a bit off. And she’s the one who goes on all the crazy diet, probably trying to get a boyfriend because we all know that Dave in Accounting dumped her three months ago. And don’t even get me started on her eyeliner….
Bored yet? No doubt he will be too, not to mention no longer attracted to you. Use only in extreme cases. Along with our final option…
This option can be applied more liberally, though again, using more than once or twice a month will lead him to believe that there’s something going on. **WARNING** May cause break ups – although many guys are known to be attracted to the drama. Study your S.O’s reaction the first couple of times around to really get to understand his breaking point.
And, for the bonus option…
If you’re in a loving, equal relationship, sometimes a gentle and caring ‘no’ will suffice. After all, he started dating you because you’re not a crazy bitch right? So he’ll have to be willing to make some compromises in order to ensure that the situation remains that way.
Sweet dreams 😉
***DISCLAIMER*** This post is actually a joke. Like, its entire contents. If you are a member of the internet police or the Meninism movement, please sit down.