So, considering this is only my third blog post, it may seem a dramatic over-exaggeration to say it’s the hardest one I’ve ever written. It really is though. I can’t just fall back on my usual amusing witticisms (although they will still be there, it’s me. I’m the funniest person you know).
Here we go.
I’m fat. OmgIcan’tbelieveIactuallyjusttypedthatandthendeleteditandthenretyped.
I know it and it’s ok. Well, actually, it’s not. It’s fucking horrible and it has been since I was 11 and someone called me fat for the first time when I was changing for another miserable game of rounders or whatever fresh hell was being served up in PE. I had never realised I was fat. I was too busy playing hopscotch, y’know? And enduring the brutal humiliation of Sports Day. What a world we live in.
But there you go, I can’t say any different and there would be no point sugar coating it (not actual sugar you understand, either artificial sweetener or agave nectar if you’re all about that natural stuff).
What I’m not sure how to explain is what I’m going to do about it. Anyone who knows me even a little bit will know that I have talked the talk about losing weight but very rarely walk the walk. It’s a very complex battle between being EXTREMELY lazy, being overwhelmed by the scale of the challenge, some deep seated psychological issues with food and worrying that it won’t magically make my life perfect.
So it’s this mixture of ‘problems’ that mean I haven’t actually lost any weight in the last forever but rather gained a few cheeky stone over the last 2 or 3 years. (WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?? Oh it’s all that fucking cheese I ate when living in France. THIS IS SO UNFAIR, FRENCH WOMEN ARE SO FUCKING SKINNY. SOMEONE IS FUCKING WITH ME).
However, maybe I’ve finally had enough. I think I’m ready to be different. I can’t be certain. It may be that I’ve just done my morning sweep of weight loss instagram accounts and bullshit inspiration quotes (‘There’s no time to be bored in a world this beautiful ❤ xxxx emoji emoji emoji)
I realise finally that I’m not going to wake up and suddenly be different, that my habits of the last 24 years will not have just magically changed and in just 3 months, I won’t be the size 8 that my heart so wants me to be. That’s not life and that’s not me. You have to start small to win big.
Of course, this may be ‘new me’ number 3428 but if there’s one thing that I’ve learnt over the years is that you have to keep going. For some people it’s the dream career or running a marathon and for me, it’s being a healthy weight that doesn’t make me feel like a giant cliff face wrapped in a damn fine vintage dress. You just have to keep going. Or, in my case, you actually have to get fucking started. And getting started means pinpointing your motivation. Wanting to be thin is not enough, it’s not sustainable and really, in the grand scheme of life, it doesn’t matter, not even a little bit. What matters to me is having the energy that a young woman should have, to be able to sleep through the night and to not endanger my future health.
Every weight loss article/blog/TV show/group always talks about weight loss as a ‘journey’ which, obviously, sounds like a cliché platitude but it is actually one with some truth to it. It’s a process that has to start somewhere, anywhere. It might not be the shiny Instagram version (very expensive workout gear, achingly beautiful photos of avocado and DeliciouslyElla yoga poses that a frickin’ elastic band couldn’t do) but it’s something. If you don’t start somewhere, then it will be like this forever. If the old damaging habits have survived 24 years, the new healthy ones will need some time to get going.
This ‘journey’ isn’t a Concorde flight, it’s a long, arduous Megabus drive and it starts today. It starts with with a food diary to work out where it’s going wrong, with a short jog to the end of the road (I live in the first house on the street LOL) and eating 1 biscuit, not 6. It is these small changes that lead to big results.
It might not work today but I’ll just try again tomorrow.
‘Failure doesn’t exist unless you allow it to. xxxxxx ❤ emojiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii etc etc’